Worthy

I have made a huge mistake.

I haven't touched a piano in two months.

I spent over 10 years of my life hating every minute of practicing the piano. For years I only looked at my music when I had my weekly 30-minute piano lesson. I avoided any repetition or development of basic skills. I cursed the metronome and I spat on theory. Despite my attempts to NOT learn piano, I was envious of the talent my friends had and I wanted to be so much like them.

I just wasn't willing to put in the work.

Time passed, and as I began to appreciate the few songs I could play well over and over again, I used the piano as a way to overcome stress, anxiety, energy, and sheer boredom. However, I never took practicing seriously. If I couldn't play it well, I didn't play it.

You can see the flaw in my logic, of course.

The last thing that I was learning how to play before I went off to college was Clair de Lune by Debussy. I loved that piece. For me, it was a culmination of my years of piano. I got pretty far in it, too-I could play the whole song moderately well, and I was beginning to memorize it.

Then I moved to Utah.

I got distracted. I put away my music and I didn't touch it. I learned, I laughed, I cried, and I watched a whole bunch of Netflix. I thought about practicing, but I kept putting it off. I could come back to it later.

I met a guy. He was in my physics class. We talked a lot, and he told me he was considering majoring in piano performance for a while. I was thrilled, of course. We both had spent our lives submersed in music! He practiced every morning when the piano at his apartment complex was free.

The more I thought about it however, the worse I felt. I was the exact opposite of him. He loved piano, and had pursued with the passion and determination it deserved. I had rebelled against it my entire life. And now, I had gone two whole months without even attempting to practice. How could I think that I shared the same love as him? I had not worked hours on end, nor had I regarded my talent as a precious treasure to be preserved and nurtured.

Now, more than ever, I miss playing the piano. I truly do. I want so badly to be allowed to sit down on the bench and feel the ivory keys submit beneath my touch. I want to feel the music flow from my fingers to my heart and hear the hours of practice and devotion magnify in the most glorious way.

I want to be worthy....